The entire concept of having children invites opinionated discussion that consumes a large portion of our childbearing years.
Early on there is the trying for baby #1 phase which then morphs into iterations of the expanding the family conversation.
As I've said previously, parenting, like marriage and home ownership, is a club. All club members are keenly aware of other members' statuses and frequently ask questions to keep their information up to date.
Ask a childless couple who is either married or approaching 40 how many times they have heard the questions, "Are you guys going to have kids?" "Do you want kids?" My guess is that they lost count a long, irritated while ago.
Once you have kids, you can't possibly imagine NOT having them and grow increasingly astonished by those who choose NOT to have any. It just doesn't compute.
When you have one child, EVERYONE asks when the next one is coming. "Will you have them close together?" "My sister and I are two years apart and it's perfect." It's relentless. Parents of only children comment that it seems there are more families of four than anything else.
Like the couples without kids, having ONLY ONE seems illogical, but I have to say, as an only, there were moments where I thought that having Mairin would ruin Leighton's life in some way. The pros of giving my eldest a sibling definitely outweighed the cons. But still, I had some strange thoughts about it that were obviously colored by my perspective and experience.
Now, speaking from experience again, I can say that having two is lovely. Our awesome foursome is even and balanced and no one has ever questioned our decision to become a family of four.
More often than not, the questions associated with potentially having a third are couched in terms of disbelief or approval of a potential decision NOT to proceed with family expansion. "You're not going to have another one are you?" "Are you going to try for another or are you guys done?" Mostly this is asked by someone who has two kids (or less) and is decidedly, if not almost irreversibly done.
Those brave souls with three or more children tend to ask in a more playful tone , "You're going to have another right?" "Are you going to keep trying until you have a boy?" We say, "I don't know. I think so at some point - just not right now."
It's funny. The idea of switching from man to man to zone coverage is daunting. People with three or more kids are inclined to agree that, "Once you're outnumbered, you might as well have four or five kids. It's all the same after that."
CRAZY.
My general impression is that our society generally views parents with three kids as everything from expert to irresponsible. Four kids - there is definitely an accidental pregnancy or random twin in the mix. Five or more kids - you are religiously motivated to reproduce.
In reality, there are a number of factors that play into deciding to have kids and ultimately expanding the family. Freedom, financial situation, living space, sanity and sheer tolerance (or the lack of any or all of those things) all have a role in the decision-making process. Depending on who you are, some are more important than others.
We definitely have a third in mind, but aren't ready ... just yet. This wishy-washy flip-floppery leads to the other discussion of, "When will we be ready?" I don't ever remember being ready with either of the first two.
I remember trying for them and thinking I was ready and then having several moments of, "Oh shit, I'm not ready." Such as: the second the test turned positive, the first time I threw up from excessive nausea, the day I tried to rearrange the nursery, the morning I calculated what we should be saving for college, the moment I went into labor, the three days it took to potty train Leighton between Mairin's naps and the start of our first foursome vacation that involved an airplane.
My friend's brother described introducing the third child to the family in this way: "It's like you're swimming along fine and then the waves start crashing and you suck in some water and suddenly, you're drowning ... and then someone hands you a baby."
Ha! I can't imagine it's that bad.
How many kids do you have? Is three that bad? Are you every ready for another baby? Please post your comments and share your fuss with us!
A loving family is always ready for another baby! They just don't know it until it is here!
Posted by: Cindy Borzych | Thursday, August 01, 2013 at 04:41 PM
Great post with spot-on observations. We have two, as you know, and we've taken steps to ensure that we are done. I can't imagine having three, but then again some times I look at my two boys and think of them as babies and I wonder what another child would be like. Some times I think I'd be a better mom to a third because I have it figured it out now, please, but true. Mostly we are done for financial reasons. And I'm exhausted.
Posted by: Evelyn | Wednesday, July 31, 2013 at 04:38 PM