Shut the Front Door

So here we are in the predictably unpleasant space where we didn't realize how unsanitary our adjectives were until we vowed to clean up our conversational english. Um ... yeah. We curse a lot.

I was giving Leighton a bath today - splashing about with a pink rubber ducky. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Finally, I said This is a duck. Can you say duck? And she did! DUH-CKAH. Nofa King way I thought to myself.

SIDEBAR: The Nofa King (as in Nofa King chance in hell I would Facebook friend my ex) is the evil step-brother of the Sofa King (as in Sofa King drunk and Sofa King hungover).

The days of thinking that we can get away with using language inappropriate for a toddler are O-V-E-R. I guess that means I can't rock her to sleep while watching Entourage anymore either. Mommy. What's a douche bag? Nope. Not pretty.

Dear readers (assuming you all enjoy using the old mother-effer as much as me and anyone interviewed by James Lipton), how did you handle the transition from ice road trucker to responsible parent? I'm having trouble.

I'm never going to say shut the front door or cheese and crackers. I would start to hate myself rather quickly. But, I would like to find a reasonable way to avoid a kindergarten parent/teacher conference where it's explained to me that Leighton called Sadie a mother-fucker and we aren't invited back.

I realize that filling the adjective gap with foul language is just plain lazy and that far more descriptive words lead to more accurate expression. Moreover, we want our daughter to have an expansive vocabulary and swearing isn't going to help. Kids mimic their parents good or bad. I need to systematically eradicate the naughty words from the Freeman household and it's going to take some thoughtful effort.

While the plan is to use real words to calmly describe most situations, we still need a few replacements for those excited utterances that call for something more. I haven't come up with anything good and don't particularly care for what's out there. I will post a followup once I've settled on some favorites.

In the interim, I will rely on some old standbys; I have used shitake to replace one choice word and fuh(ck)-crying out loud can mask the f-bomb in a pinch. And maybe we'll inject some Orbitz-commercial speak to ease the transition from crass to class. It's relevant and silly. I mean what the french toast isn't funny about cootie queen and lint licker?

What expressions do you use in place of profanity in your kiddo-friendly household? Please post a comment and share your fuss with us!

Comments

[Jen Freeman]

I mean what were you supposed to say? "Shoot shoot shoot?" I find myself calling lots of people "stinkers" these days. "Mother Stinker" "Son of a Stinker" and "Stinkbag" don't have the same effect, but feel good to utter anyway.

[SKJ]

Ahem, I believe I have heard you say "shut the front door". We find cheese and rice just as acceptable. Now, this is coming from a woman whose almost 2 year old was running around the house happily saying "shit, shit shit" because mommy spilled her cereal and didn't know anyone was in the kitchen with her.

[Ricky]

When driving in heavy traffic, an Ice Road Trucker sounds like a Church Lady compared to Brody's daddy, (me). During one particular family Sunday drive, I lovingly called the guy in front of me a douche bag. It took Brody about 2.2 to start repeating the new term he just learned. (Sidebar: Why is that so cute?!) I artfully redirected by saying, "three bags, four bags, five bags...". I did this everytime he would repeat "douche bag". Brody's momma and I now call those annoying drivers in front of us "two bags".

[Jennifer W. Freeman]

I'm going to need something spontaneous like that because the substitutes I've tried aren't sticking - too contrived. I need it to just fly out of my mouth like yours did.

[Michael]

I took to saying "Oh short word!"
As a socially acceptable substitute. I was in an airport some time ago when something went awry and I automatically said "Oh short word!" with the proper inflection.
A little old lady two seats down burst into fits of uncontrolable laughter. ;-)

[Evelyn]

This post is too funny! Laughed out loud. Fuck, do I have to stop saying Fuck? Ugh. Yes. It's going to be a challenge here too.